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She doesnt stick up for me
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I am annoyed with my best friend
A few weeks back, she went out for a meal with our other two friends and me and my OH couldnt make it as we were going to a concert.
She came round the following day and told me that the other two were saying things about me - how i dont go out with them anymore, if one cant meet for lunch then i dont go etc etc. She then went on to tell me that she just sat there and didnt say anything when they were saying these things and i asked her why didnt she stick up for me and she said it was because she couldnt be bothered to get into an argument.
Now, as a best friend, you would think that she would stick up for me. If any of the other two say things about her, i stick up for her and anything i say has already been said to her face.
We had a bit of a row the other week when i went to visit her. we were talking about a party we were going to the following day and that if they wanted to go out afterwards, then i wouldnt be able to go. She then said that just because I'm settled down and have a house and mortgage doesnt give me the excuse not to go out anymore. I then asked her if she was going out and she said no because she had no money and was going to stay in with her Mum.
I get annoyed with not only her, but our other two friends as well because they dont seem to understand how I'm on a budget because i have a house to pay for. They've gone on holiday this week and even had a whinge about me not going with them. For me, their spending money for one is a months mortgage and i just cannot afford it. I had a bad experience with going away with friends before and i've vowed not to do it again.
the funny thing is, they moan about me not coming out, but then sometimes they dont invite me because they think I'm not going to come but there's no harm in saying they're going out, do i fancy joining them for a drink? They dont make any effort to come round and visit me, not even suggesting a pizza and dvd. its all about going out and getting drunk, whcih quite frankly, i'm bored of and my intentions of having a good time is different to how many blokes they can pull.
Thanks for reading if you've got this far!!! I just need the odd rant every now and then because there's only so much my OH can take !
A few weeks back, she went out for a meal with our other two friends and me and my OH couldnt make it as we were going to a concert.
She came round the following day and told me that the other two were saying things about me - how i dont go out with them anymore, if one cant meet for lunch then i dont go etc etc. She then went on to tell me that she just sat there and didnt say anything when they were saying these things and i asked her why didnt she stick up for me and she said it was because she couldnt be bothered to get into an argument.
Now, as a best friend, you would think that she would stick up for me. If any of the other two say things about her, i stick up for her and anything i say has already been said to her face.
We had a bit of a row the other week when i went to visit her. we were talking about a party we were going to the following day and that if they wanted to go out afterwards, then i wouldnt be able to go. She then said that just because I'm settled down and have a house and mortgage doesnt give me the excuse not to go out anymore. I then asked her if she was going out and she said no because she had no money and was going to stay in with her Mum.
I get annoyed with not only her, but our other two friends as well because they dont seem to understand how I'm on a budget because i have a house to pay for. They've gone on holiday this week and even had a whinge about me not going with them. For me, their spending money for one is a months mortgage and i just cannot afford it. I had a bad experience with going away with friends before and i've vowed not to do it again.
the funny thing is, they moan about me not coming out, but then sometimes they dont invite me because they think I'm not going to come but there's no harm in saying they're going out, do i fancy joining them for a drink? They dont make any effort to come round and visit me, not even suggesting a pizza and dvd. its all about going out and getting drunk, whcih quite frankly, i'm bored of and my intentions of having a good time is different to how many blokes they can pull.
Thanks for reading if you've got this far!!! I just need the odd rant every now and then because there's only so much my OH can take !
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I do not think these people are real friends. Real friends do not do what they did. Talking behind your back etc.
If they were real friends they would understand you have financial commitments and can't just go out like you probably once did.
Sorry Tumbleflumps (I love that name btw)
I would suggest,you weigh up how good a friend these people are and are they worth the stress you are going through? Time will tell, and always follow your heart and look after number one -YOU!
To be honest I'd question your best friend for telling you that you were the subject of such debate... what purpose was there for that - other than to perhaps make a point to you that she wanted to make under the guise of someone else having said it?
In relation to them not coming round etc - they may feel like they can't invite themselves round or they may feel a bit awkward coming round if it is going to be just you, them and your other half. I will admit, I have certain friends in a couple that I will not be around, just them and me, where as other couples I don't care that I'm essentially the 3rd wheel.
What I'm trying to say, is talk about it. Perhaps suggest they come round one night when your other half isn't in and have a girly night etc. If things don't change, then yes, maybe they aren't really your friends, but to me it does sound like one of those transitional things; when things change people adjust at different paces, they may feel like they're going to lose you for example.
They were a hell of a lot worse than what i've said when i first was paying for a house and when i met my OH. For example, me and my OH went to the cinema and when i met up with them a few days later, they suggested going to see a film (which was the one i saw) at the weekend. i told them we'd seen it and they were like 'oh you could've asked us if we wanted to come'. I snapped and told them that we hardly ever do anything as a couple and just fancied going to the cinema!
I cant get used to the 'group' thing, like everyone has to be involved. 3 of us went to a party at the weekend and the other didnt get invitied because she didnt really get on with the person whose party it was. but one of them felt bad because the other didnt get invited and asked her to go as her guest, even tho i told her she wouldnt go. Me and my best friend cant do things like shopping at a weekend without someone getting the hump.
Collette - she told me because she thought i'd want to know. i know they talk about me anyway, i just get annoyed because of the fact they know why i dont go out anymore but still think of it as a reason to talk about me. Also the funny thing is that one of them is a student, so it's accepted for her to have no money but because i work full time, the fact i have a house doesnt count for anything. I know they get fed up of me going on about money, bills etc but i feel its the only way for them to realise how hard it is. Whilst we were buying the house, which took 2 years to complete, it was rare for them to ask how it was getting on.
I could go on and on, but i dont want to bore everyone!!!
i have spoken to her about how i feel, as i can be quite an open person if i need to be and if things have built up to the point where i need to say something. Up until about three months ago when she moved offices, we saw each other every day for lunch, so it wasnt like i didnt see her. Before she split up with her boyfriend, i hardly saw her unless he was away and i accepted that.
That hasnt bothered them before. Its only just been the past few months that they havent really made the effort. in fairness, me and my best friend make the effort to see each other at least once a week and go shopping once a month or something, just so that its our time but even that upsets at least one other person. But when they do come over, my OH buggers off upstairs or he'll play on the PC and doesnt involve himself, which they think is quite funny and encourage him to involve himself more. At first i know they felt like that, but that was only because they didnt know him, but they love him to bits now and are not that bothered if he's around.
It also sounds like they are a little jealous in all honesty and friends shouldn't get overly jealous of each other like that. Maybe talk to them again and if things don't change, then I'd probably gradually phase out the friends that aren't as close to you like someone suggested. Sometimes a bit of space can do wonders!
I hope you can sort things out! Sometimes it can be awkward when things change suddenly - I have just finished my latest course and had been used to seeing my friends everyday without fail, I now haven't seen some of them for around 2 months! This doesn't change our friendships though, we use things like MSN to chat to each other and do try to see each other when we can.
Recently I've had to have a little look at my life and have had to decide that some people are not worth making the effort with anymore. It's hurt me alot, but I feel, I'll be better off for it.
There was a few people who I thought were my friends, but because of various incidents etc, I realised they weren't friends, but acquaintances.
It's a painful thing to have to do, but maybe you should look at the friends you have and assess whehter or not they are actually friends. From an outsiders point of view, they aren't, but it's hard for you to see that being in the position you are in, or maybe you are like I was until recently - I knew they weren't friends in the correct sense of the word, but I suppose I was in denial and tried to cling on for as long as possible.
Finally, I'll just say to you - do what makes you happy. Life is far to short to be pleasing other people. If you want to stay in with your OH on a Fri/Sat night or if you want to stay in on your own and watch t.v. - then do it, if that's what makes you happy.
Good Luck with it all.
1) still ignore them
2) explain to them why you are doing so
this is the most effective way and really is the only way people are going to learn who is more valued to who.
Believe me, I've had this many times done to me (people going behind my back and women etc...) and well, it just shows that you are better and mature than they are.
You also dont have time for these games, better and important things to do too!
best of luck
Totally firehawk and just to add one thing - she'll probably need you far quicker than you'll ever need her. I've seen it myself - if you pull away now, and hold your ground. She'll come running back in no time. Why? Because she'll need something
Drop her and find some friends who care about you!!!
Don't worry about it, they will get used to it and so will you, you will quite possibly find some new friends as a couple.
Your old friends will probably continue to be friends but maybe at more of a distance for a few years.
TBH, I think it was a bit unnecessary of your friend to tell you about the slagging off, if she hadn't told you, you would have been none the wiser. Sometimes I have to question the motives of people who stir things up like that.
As i said before, i know they talk about so im not bothered about that. i was just annoyed that she didnt stick up for me, for example, by just simply saying that i cant afford to go out because i own my own house.
thinnking about it now, she probably didnt say anything because they all know the reasons why i dont go out, they just wanted a bitch about me and that was the only thing they could think of
also, about the lunch thing (which I'll explain in more detail now)...
basically we all used to meet for lunch once a week before my best friend moved offices and no longer worked in town. i usualy only take a half hour lunch, so that i can leave early. Now if one of them says they cant meet, lets call her Flora, i usualy tell the other who i'll call Vera, that i'll just get a sandwich and go back to work instead of sitting in a pub for an hour. Vera said she was ok with that but at that meal, she moaned that i dont meet her when Flora isnt there. now, it was only just the other week that i told them i couldnt meet because i had loads of work to do, so Flora told Vera she couldnt meet because she had no money. If i had gone, Flora would've been there. Now, surely Vera would've said something? no she didnt, she was fine with it but if i do it, i get moaned about :mad:
Mum always says that the person that tells you you are being spoken about is actually as bad as the person/people who were speaking about you - and you know what, it's true.
Like I said. Drop them!! You can do much better.
We all develop at different paces, and our lives change all the time. Some people just never catch up with us and we have very little in common with them or their company no longer makes us feel good afterwards - it's often full of little put-downs and snipey remarks often when others are jealous or inept.
It's often time to leave unsatisfactory 'friends' behind and move on to people who we have more in common with, and this is just how life is. Humans are so very different and have their own agendas - we need to mix with those who have our well-being at heart, who listen to what we say and understand where our lives are - and have equal, mutual friendships. Anything else is just unhealthy and a waste of time, effort and energy which could be put elsewhere.....
great minds think alike?!
Indeed!
Sadly, I speak from experience.
I could write a book double the size of 'war and peace' on the subject of 'friends' and finding out who your true friends are.
I've decided ove this weekend in fact, that I've shed far too many tears on the subject and that I'm going to expend that negative energy into something more positive - a.k.a my dissertation.
its stupid however, people doing some shieett on you for no reason - it shouldnt happen in the first place but also shows the type of ppl they are and best to stay away than mixing in with the "crowd"
feel free to pop over in my box
I may not have been in the 'in crowd' and I'm probably not Miss Popular with my friends but I live by the words of Hamlet 'to thine own self be true'
Hi Tumbleflumps,
Just read your reply and all the others on here. I agree with what other DS members have said. Really, do yourself a favour and let them go. Tell them why and leave it at that. As other members have said, they may come around when they are in the same situation as you. As I said before, look out for number one -you!! Take care and Iwish you all the best!!
Every friend I have is someone I am proud to have in my life and I couldn't function without them!
Maybe it is an age thing. In my 20s I had a huge social circle of so called 'friends' who actually just turned out to be people who happened to frequent the same pub! Now at the age of 33 I have filtered out the rotten apples and am now left with the true cream of the crop and a really good close knit circle of about 10 of us.
Tumbleflumps, I agree with other posters who have said that it sounds like these friends of yours are actually probably jealous of the fact that you are your OH are making a proper life for yourselves. Real friends do not slag you off behind your back or resent the fact that you are doing well in life.
It may be hard but dump them! They are only dragging you down!
Chill out, drop these idiotic associates (as you call friends) and stop making mountains out of molehills.
One thing i have learned as i have got older, there are VERY few people i have met who i have ever called 'friends'
I thought thats what girls do? go out, get peed up, make a complete fool of themselves and see can pull the most blokes?
:yawn:
I think i am starting to drift away from a couple of them, we just dont seem to have much in common anymore and they dont make much of an effort. When i meet them for lunch, i dont really have a lot to say to them and it feels like they're not really interested in waht i have to say. i think its because they all spend more time with each other and not me anymore that they have more to say between them than to me. Once Flora goes back to uni, we wont be meeting for lunch cause of her timetable, but its been suggested that we meet in the evening once a week pub - whch i cant afford to do each week. Also, i have a life and sometimes during the week, i have something on each night so that i reckon will slowly get phased out and they'll slag me off about not meeting them. Plus my best friend also said she probably wouldnt meet every week. If they grumble about not seeing me, I'll say well you know where i live!
As for my best friend, she does make the effort to come round and text me, but i still feel like we've drifted apart a bit purely because of the different levels we are on in life. Once she settles down, then we'll have something in common again and it'll be nice to have that back